magic theatre

October 21, 2012

in an aeroplane over the sea

I've been thinking a lot lately about the transience of life. Life is so valuable, freedom is so valuable, being healthy is so valuable... yet it's all taken for granted in our enormous disposable society, where instant gratification is expected and few people take the time to think about the scope of their being.

"And now we ride the circus wheel
With your dark brother wrapped in white
Says it was good to be alive
But now he rides a comet's flame
And won't be coming back again
The Earth looks better from a star
That's right above from where you are
He didn't mean to make you cry
With sparks that ring and bullets fly
On empty rings around your heart
The world just screams and falls apart"

I've been writing a lot lately too.... using my lust for significance, residual anxiety, constant thoughts, loneliness, or sheer confusion as fuel. I'm going to refrain from making this blog into a journal though, in attempts to spare you all from my nonsensical ramblings, so never fear! I know that I can tend to sound depressing when really I don't mean to at all. I'm just very thoughtful and constantly self-intwined.

October 14, 2012

plateau

I don't feel free. Lately I've been lonely, I've been feeling boring, and I've felt sincerely unmotivated academically. I'm also in one of my longest spiritual droughts that I have encountered in quite a while. It's disheartening to feel all of these things despite everything else in my life being so sunny! I'm doing so well! But man... I'm so very unmotivated. I'm stuck. It's like I'm staring at my potential square in the face-- I feel as though it's taunting me with visions of the lives I one day aspire to lead--meanwhile, I just don't have the drive to do anything at all because there is no clear path as to how to get anywhere from where I currently stand. I can't focus on any one task, I can't even feel connected to a high power or to a meditative force.

How do I engage deeply in prayer when It's hard for me to genuinely believe in God?

How do I engage deeply in studying for tests when I don't even know what I want to major in?

How do I force myself to leave the house when going places alone makes me even lonelier?

How do I live my life before I'm old and my body is no longer able?

Anxiety consumes me! It watches my every move, peering from behind every corner, waiting to leech onto my life.

I feel like I'm stuck inside of a glass box, and I don't have the tools to shatter this enclosure. I'm filled with hollow inspirations and I'm chasing these dreams but I have no legs by which to achieve any sort of distance. Oh, listen to me ramble on with corny metaphors, so meaningless and dry. So stupid. My words no longer burn with pain, nor do they sing with bliss.

I'm lost within myself, I'm lost and my eyes keep darting all over the place to the point where I don't know where to go. Dizzy. What do you do when you have obligations but you don't care about doing them? What do you do when you no longer find pleasure in eating, food has no taste? Or when you're desperate to read/learn/explore... yet the thought of opening a book brings you anxiety? I can't focus on a piece of text for longer than 30 seconds before my mind goes blank and I only eat as much as I do so that I don't become ill.

I want to achieve much and I have so much potential, but there's no fire burning within me. There's no spark. I'm lonely, but I'd rather stare at a wall than try to actually develop relationships.

BUT WHY? WHAT WILL CHANGE THIS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I miss being eager and willing to go out and do things and try. The world is such a deeply fascinating, complex, and vast place. I am so fortunate and I have been given so much in my life, I could do anything I want to if I just worked for it. I don't want to waste my youth and it makes me literally nauseous to imagine the possibility of me doing so. Living an average boring life is not enough, there's gotta be more.

I simply don't know how to overcome myself.